NOTE: Uncle Eugene is written the way he speaks. What may be interpeted as grammatical errors is simply keeping the translation from him to us real.
Deese heah younguns ain’t got no idea how to go bout dis sex. Well truth be told a lot a grown folkes got it messed up to.
Deese peoples ain’t lovin dey outcheah beating and tearing each other up. Or so dey says. Dey got all deese mean and nasty names they use for lovin.
A young fella was ova heah last week talking on his cell phone telling somebody he ate a booty I bleeve he said, like groceries. I asked my nephew what dat meant and come to find out that fool coulda been eating that part on somebody where de groceries come out at. I ain’t never heard tell a such mess back when I was runnin and gunnin.
The other day affa I had finished up the deacons car I was sittin under the tree watching the women folk going and comin on the street. Some of em was a wearing some shawt dresses and cause ma love to come down on me.
Whens ma luv comes down on me I generally goes ova and visits with Bessie Mae ova on Hill street. Bessie ushers at the church I go to on Sundays. She usa strip when she was a spring chicken so she unna stands that a man’s love comes down on him from time to time and she don’t mind doin what she can do to get dat stress off him.
So I calls Bessie on ma cell phone and she tells me to come on by. I bleeve the young folks call it coming thru.
So I takes me a Vagra and drinks a High Life and moses on ova to her house.
When I gits deah she dressed up all sexy like in a nice cotton robe and bedroom shoes.
We goes on in the back room and she takes the robe off and lays back on the bed wit huh bloomers and brazere on.
I takes my coveralls and long johns off and tells Bessie to take huh bloomers off and stand up and bend ova da bed.
She wanna know why she gotta stand up cause we generally do what we do wit her laying on huh backside.
I splaint to huh I wanted to try sumpin different I heard the young whippersnappers talking bout. I bleeve dey call it doin it like dogs do it where de woman go to turn round and when the man hook de wagon up he look like a dog on his hind legs.
Ms Bessie obliged me after giving me a tongue lashing bout not getting my holes mixed-up. I put on my reading glasses so I would be sho to get de right hole.
So while I’m working ma stress off I did sumpin I heard dem young bucks speak bout. I hauled off and slapped Bessie on one a huh hips.
She bolted straight up stoppin ever thang, turned round and slapped me so hard I damn near blacked out.
She asked me what de hell was wrong wit me hittin huh like that. She told me no man gon beat on huh.
I splained to huh what I done but she wasn’t havin it.
She calmed down an we finished workin off our stress like I shoulda done in the first place. With huh on huh back and me on top lookin her in the eye like a man. While I was working to the end I asked huh something I heard tell dem young bucks ask dey women asked huh “What’s my name?”
She told me I must be gettin Alzimers if I didn’t know my name. I felt stuppider than a a man pissing in front of a fan. I hurried up and got that stress outta me and laid there afterward and held Bessie for bout 30 min fo I left.
I thought bout that thang hard what occured with Bessie that day and I hadda look back on what I know.
I always bleeved that if a woman gon be nice a nuff to help you with ya stress ya ought to be man enough to look her in the eye while she’s helping.
I studied on this sex thang a long time. I believe if ya gon lay wit a woman you ought to treat huh tender like and like a human bean. I unna stands passion but a lot of what goes on outcheah tween folks ain’t passion – it’s violent like.
I felt right bad hittin Bessie on huh butt like dat and she hadn’t done nuffin to deserve it. I don’t see no point in tryna eat her for groceries either – seein as how she can cook good and all.
I’m told some folkes like to be treated mean when dey spose to be lovin. Sumpin musta went wrong somewhere in they lives when dey was comin up.
I bleeves too that when a woman let’s you inna body -dat right dere is a sacred thang. Mens ought to preciate dat and spect dat woman like she a queen. Dat ought to be de only woman dey going in too.
Deese womens plays a part in this messed up sexin up too.
Some of em need to spect they selves and treat dem bodies like the temples dey are. Stop lettin ever Tom Dick and Harry have his way wit em. Try ta hold on to sumpin to offa that fella you settle down wit.
I gives the same advice to deese Mens – stop putting yourself tween every pair a legs that parts open fo ya. Men’s can be hoes too so try ta have sumpin mo than money to offa that woman you git dat ring fo.
Well I’ma mosey on long fo now. I got some cars under the tree that needs fixin.