How I Almost Committed Suicide Using Stress As My Weapon Of Choice

“If something consumes your thoughts and life daily more than anything else – that thing or things are stress.”

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Stress Run Amok.jpg

I lost weight. I lost a lot of weight. Over the course of 8 years, I went from 5 hours of sleep a night to “whatever amount” I got.

I went from eating two meals a day to eating one or none a day.

The people around me, relatives, bloggers, friends, that had personal access to me thought I was sick. Oh I know they talked among themselves. Some of thse talks were nefarious, some of them were out of concern.

I didn’t realize how deep I had sunk into this abyss of desolation until I saw a photo of myself posing with my child at her graduation ceremonies.

I didn’t look like myself. I was ashamed of my appearance.

I knew then something about this shit has to change – I cannot keep this up.

The physical appearance wasn’t the sickness. There was nothing wrong with any vital organs, I didn’t have any of usual suspects like cancer, crack, or an STD zapping my weight. Doctors confirmed those weren’t the culprits.

Yet my physical appearance, physical functions, even my eyesight, seemed to be compromised by something.

I was stressed. Stressed for a long damned time.

“While it’s true that a little can be good for you, the consistent presence of it is not. Chronic stress, of course, has been shown over and over to be a bad thing for body and brain,”

“It actually seems to suppress the generation of new nerve cells and inhibit memory, not to mention increase one’s risk for being overweight; developing heart disease and possibly cancer; developing addictions; and experiencing depression, anxiety, and sleep problems.”

You see I have experienced some major losses in my life. Losses that I was ill equipped to deal with alone.

Every two years it seemed I’d lose something that was a major anchor in my life.

I hid.

I lost a marriage, from that I felt I lost my family(the one I cultivated). I lost a brother, I lost a job, I lost a home, and I lost a dog. The dog, somebody shot him in his own yard. My best friend gunned down.

I blamed myself – wallowed in self-pity and hid behind pride.

I was setting a course to kill myself without ever firing a bullet, swallowing a pill, or jumping of any structure of a lofty level. And I didn’t give a damn because after awhile one gets sick of losing shit to the point it looks like you don’t have any shit to lose.

Yeah, folks lose money all day everyday but I was losing more than that. Money ain’t everything – believe that shit.

I was losing me. I was losing me to stress.

Stress is easy to identify.

“If something consumes your thoughts and life daily more than anything else – that thing or things are stress.”

That something is sucking the energy you have for every thing else out of you into that one thing.

Anything can inject unhealthy levels of stress in your life. The usual suspects are a man, woman (relationship woes), financial challenges, and health issues. Now that last one, health issues, is a double-edged sword in relation to stress.

How?

Stress is a mental health issue (no you’re not batshit crazy although you might get that way if you don’t reel in stress)  that creates physical issues. It doubles down on your ass.

After I saw that photo of myself posing with my princess at her graduation I called a professional and told them everything about what I was going through and how long I had gone through it.

They gave me a sigh of relief. My problem is fixable they said. And immediately (I mean immediately) gave me a plan that consists of counseling, a nutrition map, and exercise regime that will get my body weight, face weight, and most importantly my mental weight back to healthy status.

It turns out I’m not the first to let stress drag me down to the depths of hollowed halls, bodies, and minds.

I didn’t know that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

I didn’t know millions before me had gotten out of the incarcerating bars of stress and gone on to be mega successful at life and everything else.

For those that supported me during my dark moments – you’re about to be rewarded and highly surprised. For those that didn’t sign off on me with “I don’t know what’s wrong with him” thank you  I love ya’ll and do know I’m gearing up to do something great – again.

I should especially thank Lucille and Janiece for probing  and mentioning my changes. They never ridiculed or speculated (at least in front of my face) however they never mitigated their concerns. I love you two for that.

For those that ridiculed me and made crude comments about me – I ain’t mad at ya. I just ain’t got no place in my life for you – you like stress are toxic and toxins need to be done away with or they’ll kill.

I’ve just finished a dinner of Chicken Pot Pie, Kale, and four biscuits. Tomorrow morning the nutrition plan has me eating four pancakes, two turkey sausage patties ,and two eggs for breakfast. The mind folks have something called “Tackling The Toxic Past”set up for a 2:00 PM appointment.

For the first time in 8 years the inhale feels like all fresh air. I can’t wait to exhale.

The Muse has an article that is the perfect addendum to this post. While their “5 Signs” centers around work – it is applicable to any context of your life that is consumed by stress.

Source: 5 Signs You’re Stressed at Work – The Muse

Author: Geo Gee

I'm a curious one that finds politics, social issues, and diverse progressive solutions interesting. I believe information and education are the most powerful weapons one can arm himself with. Those two dynamics alone open the doors to opportunities. I also subscribe to each one teach one for a better world for all.

5 thoughts on “How I Almost Committed Suicide Using Stress As My Weapon Of Choice”

  1. Wow my friend,

    I am so happy that you recognized that you needed to address this before it was too late. Having worked in the field of mental health, I can attest to your point that stress is a killer. In fact, it is a major player in many of the physical illnesses that have taken so many people down.

    Like you, I have endured quite a bit of loss in my family; both before and after my mother passed away. Friend, I walked around with a ever present ball of knots in my stomach. I was always on the look out for the next shoe to drop. So I really do get loss!

    Again, the most important thing here is the fact that you are being proactive. Not to be cliche but it is clear to me that your setback is merely a set up for you to come into your greatness.

    I’m so glad that I’ll be here to witness that! Take care of yourself my friend! We are here for you 🙂

    Always,
    Gwin

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you Gwin. Your comment is heartwarming and encouraging – two things that are much needed and a part of the therapeutic prescription for diminishing stress to a non-factor in my life. Just knowing that you are watching this unfold and can relate to it both personally and from a professional compacity is a God send. Your response removed any regrets I was harboring about revealing my dilemma publicly.

    Blessings are found in the most unexpected places and show up when we least expect them and at times haven’t even asked for them. I call that God being generous.

    You my friend are a blessing I would have never thought this blog would turn up.

    Thank you Gwin – really – thank you.

    Geo

    Like

    1. Hi Geo.
      Sometimes we get so caught up with the rudiments of life that we forget to live. We run on autopilot from day to day without taking time to inhale and exhale. I’m so happy that you have taken the time to reflect, refresh and recharge. They say hypertension is a ” silent killer ” ,… so is stress.
      Recognizing that something is wrong and taking the necessary steps to correct it is very admirable and commendable. I salute you my friend. Half the battle has already been won. I know we haven’t spoken in a while but you are always in my heart and my thoughts. Please don’t be a stranger . keep me posted on your progress.
      Love Always,
      Ann.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you very much for your kind words and valuable insight! I didn’t know you subscribed directly to the blog. Welcome to the community my loyal friend and supporter. With people of your caliber and emotional generosity pushing me I can’t do anything but win! So glad you’re here.

        Like

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